Well, about a week ago at the dinner table Benjamin comes out of nowhere with this….”Dad, your job is to talk about God, not yourself.”

Ouch.  Actually when he said this I was not even listening to him.  Leslie helped me – “Did you hear what he just said?”  I replied…”No what did he say.”  And she told me…those words that I didn’t want to think were for me. (I was probably talking about myself at the very time he said it).

I came away from the table thinking, “Oh ya that’s cute, I’ll remember that story and share it with other people in a way to tell them not to be selfish and talk about themselves all the time.”  But the truth…it’s for me.  There is always the temptation to talk about myself, project myself, make myself great, have a good name, reputation, and play the image management game.  And I often cave into it.  It is here where Christ calls us to a new way…a new story…where we become less so that he may become greater.  We begin to live not for our own glory but for his.

Lately I’m discovering how much energy it takes to keep what is called the “false self” running (constantly projecting an image to the world as what I want and hope them to see me as).  It’s kinda like those dudes who are spinning all those plates in the air at the circus.  And I’m starting to get the guts to just let all the plates fall to the ground, slowly-  one by one, and me just stand there in front of the world with broken plates all around me…just me – the regular old real Josh.  This is a lifetime journey for me.  Shedding the false self and putting on the true self that Paul talks about.

Hope you come with me.  Need some company on the road.

Last night before bed he started to get a little nervous.  Maybe it didn’t help that I had him sit and listen to me read the school rules to him from the handbook and then sign a piece of paper saying he understood them.  (I know, probably a little over the top.)  On the way to bed he started saying that he was a little nervous.  He talked it through with Leslie and I and we all remembered the scripture we learned at Camp Cornerstone…“Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid.  Do not be discouraged.  For the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9)  After some prayers and more talking he finally said, “I’m ready.”

Then this morning it was like a whole new depth of joy to see him walk into his room with so much courage.  I knew he was a little nervous but he went for it.  I’m just so proud of him and he’s growing up so fast.  Today was a great victory in parenting for Leslie and I.  We are thanking God so much for the unbelievable blessings of Benjamin, Liza and Grace.  What an amazing ride.  So thankful to be doing this with you Leslie!

Benjamin’s First Day of Kindergarden from Josh Agerton on Vimeo.

A few days ago I realized that I have been a bit resentful to this situation…me not getting to do what I want to do when I want to do it (ouch!).  After all, I’m a Pastor and leader of our church…I need to be reading all I can on the latest thoughts in Christian leadership, spiritual formation and such.  And if I don’t do this stuff I’m not going to be a good Pastor…I won’t have the mo-jo that I need to be good…I will slip into mediocrity and have a dull mind.  I won’t be able to talk shop very well with my peers about the latest and coolest things happening in ministry and sound like I know everything about everything.

Through plugging away at my Alive Journal (hope all you Cornerstone folks are with me on this) I have been talking to God about this…just coming clean with these thoughts.  After getting it all out I began to realize again how very blessed I am to be in this life stage.  And that this is the situation that God has me in right now.  I sensed him telling me in my spirit, “I will teach you through your kids.”  I wrote it down (with quotes around it just as you see it here) and have been watching and waiting expectantly.

Well my Mom just came home from a trip to Israel (yes the place where all the rockets have been going off) and brought gifts back for all the grandkids.  For Benjamin it was a special necklace with a cross on it…the word JESUS carved into it.  And he loves this thing.  Has wanted to sleep with it on and everything. (Check it out in the picture…I took it myself yesterday morning at about 6:15 am on the couch).

The other night he was checking out this new cross and showing it to me.  I asked him, “What does it say there on the cross?”  He thought for a minute and replied…“It says that God loves you soooooo much.”

Wow…Leslie and I just looked at each other.  And it hit me…this was the wisdom of God, hidden in the quiet heart of a little child.  It reminded me of a scripture that my friend JD Walt used to quote a lot when I was at Seminary,

“At that time Jesus, full of joy through the Holy Spirit, said, “I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children.” Luke 10:21.

I can read all the books and have all kinds of deep theological conversations but the secret wisdom is hidden in the cross…in looking at it like a little 5 year old and saying “It says that God loves you sooooo much.”

So what from here for me?  I’m choosing to embrace again the gift of my life stage and my little famiy.  I’m embracing little people climbing into our bed at 4am and putting their feet into my back.  I’m embracing a house that has little trinkety toys strown all over the place.  I’m embracing searching for sippy cups and Cheerios that are ground into the rug.

I’m choosing to put down the yoke of “I need to be reading that book so I can be great” and I’m playing Candyland!

I came home the other day, opened the garage door and walked in the back door to our home to see my son turning the corner from the hall into the kitchen, running towards me with both arms up in the air, shreeking with joy, holding a plastic soup ladel high in one hand. He was doing his best to run towards me, just being able to walk for a few weeks now. His feet pattered across our hard kitchen floor. He was wearing red and black plad flannel pants and a grey long sleve t-shirt with a big cartoon zebra on the front. He had on the little white lace up leather boots that klanked across the floor. He ran at me so hard that I had to catch him. I was kneeling down with my arms reaching out for him in his final steps. If I had not been there he woud have face planted right into the floor…he was coming at me that hard. Total trust. He had heard the garage door open from his room and took that as a sign that daddy was home. It was an ear piercing shreek he screamed out as he ran. Words can’t describe it. I caught him in my arms and wrapped him up. I love you Benjamin!

Man, how I long to be like Benjamin towards our Father in heaven! These children around us…they are amazing persons of faith and joy!